Author: Lama Ole Nydahl

Are there forms of partnership that work well other than a monogamous relationship?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I would say that if there isn’t any jealousy, it can work very well with more partners. In Tibet, for instance, it was more likely that a woman had more than one man and not the other way around. Nevertheless, in most cases, a one-to-one relationship as the core family with a certain degree of openness is the best solution—though there are also cases where it can work well with several partners.

But one always has to take care that nobody suffers or is taken advantage of. Every time people come together, it should be based on the idea of helping another being to grow and to develop.

If I’m aware that my partner is suffering when I’m together with somebody else, don’t I create negative karma?

Lama Ole’s answer:

It depends. If you really think that this is your partner, then you have a certain responsibility to make him or her happy as best you can. On the other hand, you have a responsibility to help him or her grow and develop as a human being too. Ultimately, you need to weigh these two things against each other in such a situation.

It depends on one’s attitude, the way one thinks and experiences things. It depends on whether the partners have met on the level of “only you from now on to the grave” or if instead they have thought, “from now on, we are going to grow and develop side by side and manage the maximum possible part of the way together.” All this varies person to person. It is impossible to set fixed rules there.

With a jealous partner, for instance, one should indeed think seriously about whether an affair is of any use. On the other hand, if one’s partner thinks, “he knows what he’s doing” or “she knows what she’s doing” or “if she’s fine, I’m fine too, and if she falls in love with someone else, she’ll take more home and make everything new and fresh again.” In this case, it would be quite OK—always subject to the condition that the partners are healthy. But to do this, there must be a lot of trust between the people involved. If one goes to bed with somebody else, one goes to bed with all the partners that person has had since there’s something of all of them present. It is certainly a bigger thing.

One should always find grown-up partners and not small, dependent people with little surplus. It is not a question of morality, where we should think “bad” or “must not”—not at all. In Buddhism, the body isn’t considered something fundamentally bad, like in a few other religions. The body is considered a palace of light with 72,000 energy channels, all made of the nature of wisdom. The body is a tool to benefit and help others, to give them happiness and love.

There are many cultural differences concerning partnership and sexuality, and each culture has its own standards.

Is it possible to simply disregard these norms, or does the cultural context play a central role in how we should behave?

Lama Ole’s answer:

My advice on this is similar to that of our other teachers who have spent some time in the West and become acquainted with something other than the narrow cultures they come from: Live your life without stepping too far out of the frame your society has set up. Live in a way that does not make problems for yourself or others and that naturally brings joy.

But if you do some practice that especially sticks out from the norm and alienates you too much from others, then suffering will emerge. And the only thing that really counts is whether what you do causes happiness or suffering in the long run. That’s simply how it is.

What’s the difference between love and attachment in relationships?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Disturbing emotions like attachment originally arise from confusion. There are only three emotions that do not result from confusion and are therefore absolute: fearlessness, joy, and love.

Fearlessness arises when mind recognizes its space nature—when mind discovers that it isn’t a thing, but indestructible like space itself. Joy emerges when mind recognizes its clarity nature. This happens when, on the basis of fearlessness, mind experiences its free play—its potential and its richness. Then one becomes joyful and happy.

Love arises when mind recognizes its unlimited nature. If you realize that the nature of mind is space-clarity and boundlessness, and that all beings are like us—that they want to be happy and to avoid suffering—you’ll notice that you cannot separate your own feeling from those of others. There is simply nothing else you can do but become a loving and caring person. Only these feelings have the true nature of mind as their cause, and thus they really are of a permanent nature.

The mind of normal people is like an eye: it looks outward but cannot see itself. All phenomena in space can be measured and described, but the question of the size of mind, of its length, width, form, or taste—nobody can answer these. We know everything about the outer world but nothing about the one who experiences it. This is bad since the outer images are constantly changing, whereas mind always remains the same.

From mind’s inability to see itself, two fundamental emotions emerge. The first is attachment or desire. We experience ourselves as being less than the totality of all phenomena and long for something we think we don’t have. The second emotion is aversion. We think that we don’t like all those people out there, that they are dangerous.

Many people tend to mistake desire for virility and think that without any desires we would be impotent. This misunderstanding is based on a misinterpretation of words, but it is the reason why many don’t want to meditate. This is why we use the term attachment instead.

If we take a closer look at love and attachment, we can clearly distinguish between two things. The first one only has positive aspects; it is the giving type of love. This love manifests itself through a direct exchange with someone or through a general feeling of compassion, sharing with others whatever one has. It also appears as sympathetic joy, meaning that we are happy about things that don’t have anything to do with us personally—simply because we consider them to be meaningful. And finally, with this kind of love we are balanced; we know that everyone has buddha nature, no matter how much this clear light may be hidden.

The other, bad kind of love doesn’t take place in the here and now, but instead happens in the past or future. It doesn’t set others free but rather limits and confines them. This kind of love cannot rejoice if the partner learns and develops but rather worries that he or she is becoming smarter than we are and might run away soon. We should really make sure to get rid of this jealous, narrow-minded, envious, and expectant kind of love the moment we see it approaching. Restrictive control isn’t beneficial to anybody. We should give freedom to people and let them go. If they come back, they belong with you; if they leave for good, they will be happier somewhere else. Everything clingy, sticky, and full of expectations isn’t good. Everything liberating is good.

What should we do to deal with attachment?

Lama Ole’s answer:

The Buddha gave two pieces of advice concerning attachment, and Karmapa has added another special remedy. On the highest, absolute level—within the Mother Tantra lineage—the Buddha advises working with the melting phase in particular. This means that one keeps the building-up phase in the meditation short and remains in the melting phase for a long time. In the meditation on the 8th Karmapa, there are also special antidotes for attachment.

On a practical, everyday level, and for people who are mainly motivated by strong desires and wishes, the Buddha advises us to think a lot about impermanence, so that we do not bind ourselves too much to the world of phenomena. Secondly, we should share everything good we experience with all sentient beings because desire types do experience a lot of wonderful and rich things. We should always carry a feeling inside us of “I want to show this to others!”

If you make use of all the different levels in this way, you will obtain good results. The most important is to understand that the thought wasn’t here before, it will be gone by tomorrow, and it need not disturb you today—like the waves in the ocean which come and go.

How can we be sure that the joy we experience is not a strong dependency?

Lama Ole’s answer:

We can examine the level on which the joy takes place. If it consists of having something and stops the moment we don’t have it anymore, then the joy is constricting and unpleasant.

Actually, we can enjoy everything as long as we don’t have a problem once it’s gone. If the pleasure becomes strong enough, then it breaks the limits of the ego. One can enter it via the ego and discover something that is a thousand times greater than anything one has ever known before. As long as it doesn’t dominate us, we can enjoy it fearlessly. As an old master once said, “Since everything is a play of mind anyway, we may as well enjoy it.” What he was talking about is life itself.

Sometimes men become quite clingy and attached to me although I only wanted to be friendly. How should I handle this?

Lama Ole’s answer:

It’s best to explain to them how fantastic it would be to share something on many levels—to have a brother or a friend. This way you lead them out of the sexual attachments. And one should tell them in particular, “What you are looking for in me is in yourself. Why don’t you try to meditate a bit?”

Simply meditate on the level of highest wisdom, again and again, and make people aware of their strength and potential. If people want something they cannot get, if they want something in an unhealthy way, it is best to send them on. It’s best to use the energies and help them become independent. Then you can work together later on.

How can I dissolve sexual inhibitions and shyness?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I advise people to see the body as a tool to give the other person joy, and to wholeheartedly jump into the experience. It’s worth it to fully focus on the partner and not think about oneself. Both partners can do this.

The man can be happy about the joy he gives to the woman. And the woman can enjoy the power she activates in the man. In matters of love, I would always decide to follow whoever is experiencing the highest feeling and bliss. If it’s the man who is experiencing something more intensely, then the woman can emotionally melt together with him. And if it’s the woman who has a more intense experience, the man can dive into her experience and be happy to be able to give her so much. It’s like a good encounter between close friends: let the best storyteller do the talking. We simply choose the best trip.

What is the best way to handle sexuality?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Try to see your emotions and your body as tools to benefit and help others. Actually, we can reach other people’s minds through physical joy. This gives them freedom and the chance to experience their own power and qualities. Love is like an initiation where we bring out richness and beauty in each other.

In the past, people saw sexuality as separate from the mind and only belonging to the body. I believe the exact opposite is true: sexuality has something to do with our totality, with our behavior and our whole experience.

Is it correct to say that desire must be present for a human rebirth?

And if we don’t transform our feelings of desire, will we still be reborn as human beings?

Lama Ole’s answer: 

That’s basically true as long as we don’t do anything really harmful. If we carry out a lot of negative actions in our lives or if we are very miserly with money, we will very likely be reborn in Africa, South America, or places like that. Likewise, if we have been greedy but also generous, we might be reborn in North America or Europe. But the good places are shrinking while the bad places are growing.

It is smart to learn how to develop ourselves. And the beautiful thing about a Buddhist practice is that we don’t need to change or destroy our desires or attachments. We only have to learn to turn all the energy of our desire around. Right now, this energy is focused on athletic partners, money, and holidays. We just need to direct it towards liberation and enlightenment instead. Desire is a very positive force if one knows how to transform the clinging and limiting attachments into liberating and enlightened desire. The tiger doesn’t have to be put to sleep; you can ride him. You harness the tiger to the front of a plough and steer it in the direction you want to go. In other words, we use the power inherent in the disturbing emotions, even though this may not be so easy.

In some cases, it’s helpful to relax and just avoid the most difficult situations where we usually go through the roof. It’s wise to experience everything as dreamlike. Think, “the emotion wasn’t here five minutes ago, and it will disappear in another five minutes. If I get involved with it now, I’ll only get into trouble.” But the most important thing is to make use of the power while turning it around. This is exactly what a fighter does: he takes his enemy’s power and uses it against him.

Are there any guidelines in Buddhism concerning sexuality?

Answer of Lama Ole Nydahl:

Regarding sexuality, the Buddha gave teachings on three levels. For those who have difficulties with their sexual life—for example, people who get depressed during an orgasm and feel that they are losing something, or for people who have problems with relationships—the Buddha’s advice for this group of people is to become a monk or a nun. That puts the problem on ice and keeps everything out of their lives, but it doesn’t lead to joy and happiness. Their troubles are obviously rooted in previous lifetimes, in which they were unable to build up anything good with others.

Then there is the level of the average lay person, where one sees the body as a tool to give one’s partner joy and happiness. The male part is seen as a diamond and the female part as a lotus flower, and a couple tries to give each other as much happiness as possible.

Then there’s the third level of the accomplishers. They are bound, above all, to their view. Monks and nuns are committed to avoiding suffering; lay people are committed to using their abilities and applying wisdom and compassion in everyday life; and yogis are committed to their view—to constantly seeing everything on the highest, purest level and to always experiencing highest bliss. On this level, if we are capable of seeing something pure in every human being, our sexual lives can be tools to create enormous joy. If it happens on the level of purity, if we have respect for each other, if we experience ourselves and others on a beyond-personal level, then enlightened energies can move and we learn something in the process—it’s totally amazing!

There are, of course, big differences among these levels. Just a quarter-hour of freestyle wrestling with a bottle of wine in your belly—that’s not something I would do or recommend to others. This only causes trouble. On the other hand, it is very good if you can consciously share time together and give each other joy—called detong in Tibetan and “space and bliss inseparable” in English. Then hold this state and radiate it into space as a constant source of joy, as a beyond-personal source of joy that radiates to all sentient beings. If you are capable of doing that, you can bring huge amounts of blessing and a lot of inspiration into the world. You can help many people discover their own potential and strength.

How can sexuality be used for meditation practice?

Lama Ole’s answer:

A meditator’s goal is to have the same control of his body that a racecar driver has of his car. That is, we become capable of steering the energies in the way and direction we choose. However, only those who have already accomplished a lot can do this practice. It is necessary to train, to learn to experience things in a beyond-personal way, and to develop meditative power.

If we look at the succession of the practices, the tantric union teachings come after the practice of “inner heat,” where one can sit in the snow and melt it. To do this correctly, one must be able to pull the energies down, hold them, and turn them around. There is a yogi joke that if a man has truly accomplished this practice, he can pull water mixed with milk up through his penis and then release the water and milk again separately. I have no idea to what extent this is true, but in any case, the practice is very difficult indeed.

The reason we don’t talk a lot about sexual union practices isn’t prudishness. From the Buddhist viewpoint, the body is neither dirty nor sinful. It is a tool—a temple of energy where enlightenment can take place. But one explanation of why union practices are not mentioned often is that many people have difficulties concerning sexuality. If we talk about the energies of the body, sexual energies, and working with them, people often start to think in their old-fashioned Christian or Islamic concepts, regarding sexuality as something dirty and wrong. They build up dualities.

The union practices are generally kept secret for the people’s own good—because they simply cannot understand what a jewel they are holding. If we still hope and fear, hold on and push away, if we want to keep ourselves under control and develop disturbing feelings, then it’s better to keep the lid on it. Only when we can meet each other in a state of giving and taking and aim at developing each other, only then does the tantric union practice become useful. Not until one experiences everything as a dream and can see both practitioners as forms of energy and light does it make any sense to invoke the powerfields and exchange energies.

Generally speaking, it’s like this: use your body as a tool to give others joy and avoid causing them suffering. You should also not destroy the joy experienced when making love with any ideas about how we should do it. Enjoy, be good to your partner, and everything else will evolve gradually.

In Buddhism, the ultimate level of insight is called detong, which means the inseparability of joy and emptiness. That means that you remain in a state of bliss and ecstasy. You keep this state without interruption, and you are in full control of it. But it is not a personal state. You radiate into space, full of joy. As soon as something is touched by you, it starts to radiate too. In this state, the experience isn’t that one person is doing something for somebody else. Rather something happens in open space. Try to hold this level all the time, when making love too. Experience it as the highest initiation and not as a small thing you only want to keep for yourself. Then it will be an encounter full of highest truth and the most beautiful jewels. Stay aware of this and then radiate on everything.

Is sexuality the only way to bring together the male and female principles?

Lama Ole’s answer:

It’s best if everything male and female basically inspires you. You move through space and perceive it—the openness itself—as the female principle. Likewise, you experience joy as the male principle. You open up towards all qualities and the inherent potential of everybody who crosses your path.

On the personal level, we distinguish between four kinds of relationships, depending on the way people react to each other: a woman can be a mother, a daughter, a sister, or a lover. Not everybody embodies every type. It’s the same thing with the men: there are father types, sons, brothers, and the men that a lady would like to take home immediately. Thus, men and women can complement and touch one another in different ways.

All in all, we should try to let ourselves be inspired by the whole spectrum of experience. At first, you might think mainly of sexual relationships and that kind of closeness. But then you discover that a relationship with fewer desires might be even stronger and, in the long run, more beneficial.

However, the type of encounter is also subject to the degree to which one’s masculinity or femininity has developed. There are people who are very masculine or feminine, and thus need partners to find their balance. For instance, when I am not together with a woman for a longer period, I walk around like a tank: I forget to shave and end up being too rude.

The same is true for some women who are very feminine: if there is no man around, they only talk about hats and kids for days on end and nothing else happens. In these cases, men and women need each other a lot.

There are also the types of people who are less extreme. They have some female and some male qualities, a little bit of both. They can do well without a partner.

I always have strong self-doubt; could you give me advice for this?

Lama Ole’s answer:

The cause of self-doubt is rooted in wrong views—that is, in one’s way of thinking. It means you are putting the cart before the horse. You should create distance from the “either-or” attitude and lift what is relative and conditioned to the level of the absolute.

Understand that highest bliss is highest truth and that everybody benefits from all the good that happens everywhere. Try not to feel separate from the totality and to always wish all beings happiness. If you are doing better, then others will also do better. And if you feel good, you can also do more for them.

If the self-doubt is of an intellectual nature, then it’s best to use mantras. Mantras are like an oil film on which the disturbing emotions slip back and forth in all directions and then fall away. Mantras protect your mind from its neuroses, and thus deep experiences and joys can develop. Look at you: you have a face, two arms, two legs, and would like to have happiness like everyone else. This is a completely open game. Try to do whatever possible to be happy, and what is not possible today might be tomorrow.

Those who think they have problems should read an international newspaper every day for one week and confront themselves with what is happening in the world—for example, with what takes place in Africa on a daily basis. Then one’s own difficulties are put into perspective and lose their weight.

Could you say something about desire, anger, and confusion types?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Most people have some of everything: pride, jealousy, desire, confusion, and anger. Some see something and immediately notice many things they like and maybe one thing they don’t like. These are mostly desire types. Others see right away many things they don’t like and perhaps one thing they like. So these are mostly anger types. And other people are not clear about what they like and don’t like. These are the confusion types.

Some, for example, are desire types at the beginning because they have a physical need for love. Then when the body is content, one’s old anger may come up and start to find a lot of faults in one’s partner. We actually see this often—a beautiful honeymoon and then afterwards the people yell at each other.

I myself am purely a desire type. My mind works in such a way that I understand others’ mistakes as wrong programs that are being thrown out. I forget almost all the mistakes. And when we meet the next time, I greet you happily because I have forgotten past problems. But if someone has done something good, then afterwards I remember very well and I like to ask about the experiences.

There are anger types who criticize everything. However, since they know exactly what they don’t like, they hold on to it less than other people might. This is how they make fast progress. I know such a woman; she had astonishing progress with her meditation. Anger types have to learn from situations where they always get angry or think that they have to protect themselves. They need a protected frame where they are not attacked and can thus let go of their defensive attitude. They need space around them in order to see how things really are and how beautiful the world is in its true nature. Then they discover their richness and can let their whole strength, love, and surplus play freely. Most anger types end up with the Nyingmapas; their teachings are directed towards that.

Desire types like everything. Instead of moving ahead in a focused and linear way, they jump fully into things and make progress like this. Desire types have to learn to recognize the difference between impermanent and permanent things. They mostly end up being Kagyu.

The confusion type often has to take the way of thinking. He progresses step by step through increasingly better understanding and clearer insight, level by level. Most confusion types end up with the Gelugpas.

The different schools function more or less in the following way. For the Nyingmapas, the view from above is most important: by flying across a lake, for example, to get an overview of it, one gains an understanding of the lake. With the Kagyupas, the direct experience is most important: one jumps into the lake and swims, feeling the water on the body. For the Kagyupas, everything is very close like in a family. And for the Gelugpas, analysis and understanding are essential: the approach is to take a sample of the lake water into the laboratory to see what’s inside.

We cannot say that one approach is good and another bad. One school is good for some and another school is good for others. If one follows the right path, one will reach the goal. And when one has become a Buddha, then the difference is gone as to which path one took. It is only a question of how to go up; when one has arrived, there is no difference anymore.