Author: Lama Ole Nydahl

What can we do when our grief over someone’s death lasts too long?

Lama Ole’s answer:

You should try to get over the grief as soon as possible, because while grieving you simply don’t have any surplus. Instead of grieving for people who are dead, you could do a few good things in their name.

Do it like the old Germanic peoples: they get together three days after the death and drink a fair amount to the noble exploits of the one who has died. In this way, they let go of the dead.

When my parents died, I could help them get to the pure lands, where they are protected and doing well. My experience with this is that I still feel them, that they are there and doing good things. Let go of the grief; it doesn’t benefit anybody.

What can I do when my thoughts start racing?

Lama Ole’s answer:

In general, thoughts are always there. A thought arises, and if one observes it one realizes that it just continues to flow like a stream, like waves that come and go. It is interesting when they are there; it is also good when they are not there.

You shouldn’t take thoughts too seriously. Thoughts, concepts, and ideas are useful if you have to learn something or apply your intelligence. Whenever you aren’t engaged in work that requires full concentration, you can disconnect the stream of thoughts from the immediate actions.

For example, while riding a bicycle one doesn’t think, “Now first I have to move one foot here and the other foot there, and at the same time I have to hold the handle bar and shift into the right gear,” and so on. Instead, one just sits on the bike, trusts the wisdom of the body, and rides it. If one does what lies in front of one’s nose and the thoughts continue in parallel, then the actions become more spontaneous, effortless, and useful.

Body, speech, and mind contain a great amount of spontaneous, intuitive wisdom and energy. You are a Buddha; you have everything in you; you are connected with everything.

Thoughts are very good if you can switch them on and off as you like. Then you think what you want and turn them off again when you have thought enough—you are spontaneous and effortless. The best teachers for this are the surfers on the coasts of California, Hawaii, Australia, and New Zealand. They lie on their boards in the water. For a long time there are no waves. Then a wave appears that would bring them only halfway to the shore, and another comes that would break the board. Then finally, the right wave appears and the happy surfer gets up and rides in. He doesn’t hate one wave and isn’t attached to another, but instead he simply does what’s possible. And when we live in this way, the abilities and powers inside us come to the fore. I also learn a lot in this way about patience.

Unfortunately, it is very difficult to turn off the thoughts when they become too many. But there is a good method which Milarepa also used centuries ago. He spoke the syllable “PEI.” In the very moment one says PEI aloud or inwardly, the thoughts diffuse and are gone.

Another way to free yourself from thoughts is to imagine the lama on top of your head. The lama appears as if made of water, and you let this water flow into yourself. This way you become the lama himself, who in our case is always the Karmapa. Imagine that you yourself are Karmapa and try to hold this perception and feeling as well as possible.

If important thoughts come up that distract you from what you have to concentrate on, then you can write them down. Since we Westerners react strongly to written things, it is very helpful to use notes to keep from being distracted from what is important in the moment.

I often daydream for a long time. When I notice that I’m doing it, I try to focus on my work but it is hard for me to get really clear in my head. What does this mean?

Lama Ole’s answer:

For you it is certainly good to do a lot of practical work—to stay on the ground and not be pulled away. You found the right methods through your intuitive wisdom.

Forcing oneself to do something very precisely, here and now, is probably the best antidote against floating away, especially if one is very dreamy. Okay, if one has just fallen in love then dreaming is all right. But for general life, dreaming is not so meaningful. Instead it’s better to pull yourself together a bit and do what’s in front of your nose. One day you will break the old habit, and then any daydreams will be inspiration, fascination—everything will be interesting.

This is a case where one shouldn’t use any mantras, because with mantras one also lifts off. That’s why mantras are good against disturbing emotions.

Once when I helped someone who was injured, I experienced being completely focused and did exactly the right things without thinking. Is this some kind of higher awareness?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I would say that the state in which one is aware on multiple levels at the same time is the highest state of awareness. If you do exactly what is needed in a situation in a beyond-personal way—without thinking about time, about what you should feel or whether you should be afraid—then you will see that all your powers and abilities will come to the surface.

You’ll manage to do things you didn’t know you could do. Those who don’t work with their mind always want to hold on to something or push away something else. But in the moment of authentic action, one does what’s in front of one’s nose. And afterwards, when reflecting on the experience, one sees it was done with joy and power. But in the moment, the action itself was important.

Disturbing emotions are the only thing to be wary of during a spontaneous, effortless act; there must be no anger and no aversion. If there really is no disturbing feeling, then one will do what benefits others and what is right. There is no doubt about that.

On the one hand, we should do what’s in front of our nose. On the other hand, isn’t it important to think long term?

Lama Ole’s answer:

As a Buddhist, you have a much better chance than most to choose what benefits beings in the long run. This is because you decide without fear and attachment, out of a state of freedom and with a broad view.

Most humans behave like American industries: they have just invested money in the factory but they want to take it out again right away. The smarter ones act like German or Japanese industries: they invest; the investment grows and stabilizes, and in the end they get a lot out of it.

With the Buddhist overview, you can see both what feels good to do before summer and what will be good later when you are sixty and still want to do a lot for others. Right now it is very important for you to observe your mind as well as you can in all states, extremes, and experiences, and to learn from everything that happens. It is important to do this now while you are free to go through it all. Later, when the body demands more, you should have the most pleasant possible conditions in which to work. It is not about becoming bourgeois but about always being as useful as possible.

Every time you have gone through something and learned from it, then others who have to learn the exact same thing will come to you! And when you realize this, you’ll want to learn and do even twice as much, because this way you can benefit beings better.

If we don’t let our anger out, then won’t it direct itself inward and cause problems there?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Under all circumstances, anger has to flow through the system of body and mind. If you keep it inside, then you get sick. But if you let it out, it isn’t any better. If one isn’t very strong mentally, then one should go to a therapist and talk with him or her about the situation.

But if one has a strong mind, then one clarifies the situation in meditation: One sits there and discovers, “The anger wasn’t there five minutes ago; in ten minutes it won’t be there either. And if I get caught up in it for the next quarter hour, then I’ll have problems.” You sit there the way someone who is drowning holds on to a log of wood without letting go. In the same way, you hold on to this attitude.

If anger has appeared in mind, has been understood by mind, and has dissolved back into mind—without catching or blocking anything—then it will be much harder to take it seriously the next time. And the third time it will already be quite thinned out. And someday it won’t come back at all, because it only lives on the energy we put into it.

If we don’t take anger seriously, if we see it as an interesting show—yesterday a sentimental flick, tomorrow the “Rocky Horror Picture Show”—then it won’t disturb us anymore. It only gets difficult when one identifies with the shows. Both the good and bad movies come to an end, but the space-clarity in which the movies come and go—that which is aware of the movies, which experiences the movies—that is permanent; that exists.

I am a psychotherapist and usually tell angry, blocked people to let their anger out. Would you advise against this in all cases?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I completely stand behind my advice that we shouldn’t do this. Mind is a creature of habit. If you allow yourself to be angry once today, then you will be angry twice tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow, you’ll be lonely because our fellow human beings don’t like angry people.

We have already created a whole generation of singles because everybody takes their own trips and feelings too seriously and thinks that they are so important and meaningful. Buddha’s and my own advice is to treat anger as a completely embarrassing, unpleasant, and slightly too clingy customer. Don’t put any energy into it. If the anger comes back, then try again not to put any energy into it.

It is important to remove the conditions that might cause anger. Always remember that the anger wasn’t there before, it won’t be there later, and if you live it out now it will lead to a lot of suffering afterwards.

Don’t create dramas; keep a stiff upper lip and put on a presentable face. Then work it off and let go of the things inwardly during meditation.

It is also important to know that Buddhism starts where psychology ends. Some people who are on a Buddhist path need a good psychologist, and that is all right. But if you have reached a level where you can stand behind yourself and your vision of the world, then just let things pass by without putting energy into them.

What should I do if I often find myself together with people whom I don’t fit in with or whose company I actually don’t like?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Then wish them all the best, leave, and do what you are interested in. Build up your own power-field somewhere else. Humans emanate certain energies; some match well and others don’t. If others are disturbed by what you are doing, then part company with them in a beyond-personal way—because you know that they also want to have happiness and to avoid suffering.

Act according to the situation. If you think someone is treating you badly, then you can teach him a lesson. You have to be able to stand up for yourself. But your reaction should always be relative to the situation. So please do not crack a nut with a sledgehammer.

I always thought that it was quite good to live out one’s anger from time to time. Do you have a different opinion about this?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I boxed for four years and I can tell you: If you want to win, you just need to make the opponent angry. Then he moves like a combine harvester through the ring and only makes mistakes.

Anger is like adrenaline poisoning. You get the same outer signs like red eyes; your hands break things, and your voice becomes hoarse and unclear. You sweat and experience adrenaline sickness caused by yourself. On the other hand, when we stay cool, we do exactly what we want and have complete control. We are grown up when we have control over life—when we can decide to take part in the comedies and stay away from the tragedies. I would definitely consider anger an enemy. It can look powerful if one stands there and rolls one’s eyes, but it is totally ineffective and only causes one to make mistakes.

If someone is constantly causing trouble for me, how can I clear up the situation without both of us getting angry?

Lama Ole’s answer:

It’s best to say what one thinks in an honest and friendly way.

Just tell the person, without any anger, that you don’t like certain things, that they are unpleasant to you, and that you would like this behavior to stop. If the other person does not react even to repeated requests, then make some distance. Clarify the conditions under which you could live together, then, move out or throw him or her out if necessary.

If one is greatly disturbed by the behavior of another person, how can one deal with it without getting angry?

Lama Ole’s answer:

When anger is triggered by habits, then it is important to be aware of what is happening there. Generally speaking, I am not against powerfully intervening in situations, as long as when you do it you don’t exclude the other people from your good wishes!

You can’t draw a line, saying, “Humanity is there and I am here.” Instead, bring in something positive and work with it. Then you’ll move forward. Of course you should show if you feel disturbed, otherwise you will become neurotic. You should just show it in a controlled, friendly way.

So if there is something that strongly disturbs you—if, for example, you see that your relationship with your boyfriend is about to end because he is always leaving his socks on the table when you two are about to eat—remember that he doesn’t do this to tease you. He does it because he didn’t learn any other way, maybe because he was raised badly. You tell him that it disturbs you and that it damages your relationship. Then, if he changes his habit, it is an act of love. And if he doesn’t change this habit, then you can use the energy of your anger to build up as much strength as you need to be able to move out.

But in the long run, one shouldn’t make a martyr of oneself. The following example illustrates this: A married couple had lived together for a long time and used to have rolls on Sundays. The husband would eat the upper half and his wife the lower. But there was always something about this that bothered both of them. After a long time, they realized that the man actually wanted to eat the lower half and the woman the upper half.

It is not good if one is so thin-skinned that one cannot talk to fellow human beings. It is better to find a good way of communicating and to keep in contact.

When I see injustice, I get angry very quickly. Couldn’t this be useful if it motivates me to intervene?

Lama Ole’s answer:

With anger, you always act incorrectly. You shouldn’t be a wimp or limit your field of vision. You should do what is necessary with compassion.

I don’t know when the idea came up that one gets through better with anger. This is not true! Anger is a poison for the mind; it makes us sick and unclear. Only when you keep a cool head will you win.

Try to get to the understanding that all beings want happiness and to avoid suffering. Even if you can’t see it, all beings basically have buddha nature, even someone like Khomeini. He is not evil; his mind is merely so obscured that among all options he always chooses the wrong one. He also wants to have happiness and avoid suffering, but he is so confused that he only makes mistakes.

By understanding that people are ignorant and not evil, you can avoid anger. Get this insight and react with compassion, but also with the necessary sharpness.

I have understood that one can use violence if needed but should do so without anger?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Yes, that’s right. For example, if people are severely disturbing my lectures, then I sometimes carry them out personally. As long as one isn’t angry but does what is needed, then it is completely all right.

Sometimes it is simply important to take drastic measures. If we only have shirkers—who don’t risk anything, look away, and don’t take any responsibility—then our culture will disappear after a while.

If one must use violence, it should be without emotion. Rather, it is imperative that it be done with compassion. One should work like a doctor who knows, “If I don’t operate now, then there will be more suffering and difficulties afterwards.” The purpose must be to benefit others and ultimately to help them on their way.

Here is a funny example. My mother was about five feet tall and was from the pre-vitamin generation, but she was also a physical education teacher. We had a summer cottage in Denmark close to a meadow where horses used to graze. As a five-year-old boy, I once stood there with my back to the fence lost in thought, petting a horse that had its mouth above my shoulder. My mother saw that the horse suddenly flattened its ears; it somehow became aggressive and showed its teeth. My mother jumped over a fence that was as high as she was and drove her head against the horse’s belly with full power—just as the horse wanted to bite. The horse jumped three feet in the air. My mother had nothing against the horse but wanted me to continue on in life with two arms.

In situations like this, one experiences a completely new dimension, as if in slow motion. One acts very precisely, and most of the time one succeeds without harming the opponent too much.

Are there situations where one has to act with an angry appearance in order to create something good?

Lama Ole’s answer:

If you act with anger, then the result can’t be love, peace, and harmony. Anger is toxic. It is only when the ego doesn’t trust itself that it thinks it has to act with anger.

You act much more effectively without anger. Your actions are stronger and better when you act out of compassion. Then you are much smoother; you see precisely what is there and you get your results. Outwardly, you can put on a powerful, angry appearance, but inwardly you must not be angry.

Many young people come to me asking for a certificate that says that as Buddhists they cannot become soldiers. I cannot support this; I was a soldier myself. If there are no soldiers, then who will protect our society and our freedom? We actually have our freedom only because we had enough soldiers. You can very well be a Buddhist and protect your country. You just mustn’t be angry while you do it.