Author: Lama Ole Nydahl

In my former relationship, a lot of negative things happened and the relationship ended in an argument. Is it possible to do something afterwards to dissolve the difficult karmic bond?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I only know of one good way to end a relationship so that both partners walk away enriched. We have to get used to wishing the former partner everything good all the time from the outset. If there is any win-lose thinking involved, nobody will be set free. Simply make good wishes as a matter of principle; give everything good and be really generous in sharing possessions. The only exception is if the other person is taking advantage of your generosity. In that case, negative habits would be encouraged in them, and it’s best to cut through instead.

But when two modern, talented, and humanistically minded people separate because their shared good karma is exhausted or they haven’t created new good karma together yet, then I would advise separating in such a way that both people win. Both should feel good afterwards and they should remain friends. Feelings of loss and restriction shouldn’t be connected with it, because then we carry along all the difficulties we experienced. If it has been quite a while since the relationship ended, you can wish the other everything good from a distance.

What should we do if we want to separate on amicable terms but our partner clings to us and doesn’t want to let go?

Lama Ole’s answer:

The best is to lead the partner towards meditation. Explain to them, “everything you see in me is nothing other than your own richness. You can only find good qualities in me because you already have them within yourself. And now I am going to show you how to uncover all that richness without having to deal with these difficulties with me.” Then you give them the Three Lights Meditation and advise them to go to the local Buddhist center. This will help them become independent, and you can gradually separate without hurting them.

In cases where the partner isn’t interested in meditation, I mainly advise looking around for a suitable man or woman who might be interested in becoming a new partner. If one can do this and it works out, it is really helpful. I myself almost always searched for a successor for my former girlfriends, somebody who could make sure that everything went well and that she was happy in the end. Naturally, a teacher can do this more easily. But still, one can at least try it. It’s our responsibility to make sure that our former partners feel as good as possible.

In certain cases, it is necessary to tell the other person that they are behaving like a child—that we are losing respect for them and that it’s better to break up in order to remember them and the time spent together in a positive way. But then you have to really mean it. Afterwards, we can advise them to become independent and to learn to stand on their own feet. We might even leave open the possibility of giving the relationship a second chance afterwards.

If the partner becomes angry and loses control, it is better to leave instead of stooping to their level. The same holds in a discussion where the other person is screaming and you start screaming too—no matter what, you will lose. Here, if anything, you should talk very quietly so that the other person has to stop screaming to understand what you’re saying. Screaming is stupid in any situation.

If your partner ever turns violent, then you call the police. We’ve got an enormous social apparatus that takes care of such matters. Fifty percent of your taxes go directly into this, so you can make use of it with a clean conscience.

If parents separate, which parent should the children stay with?

Lama Ole’s answer:

When taking a human rebirth, a person will be female if the karmic bond is stronger with the father or male if it is stronger with the mother. That basically means that girls feel more drawn to the father and boys to the mother.

This can change throughout one’s life due to other karmas. I believe that the simplest solution is for the children to live with the parent who has found a new partner with a good connection to the children. This is especially true if one parent doesn’t find a new partner. A family is certainly better than a single parent, unless the bond with that parent is particularly strong.

In most cases, I recommend having an extended family, the way the Nepalese live, for example. In their culture, former partners and their new partners create two families out of one, where the children can maintain a good bond with both parents. In this situation, it is important that the former partners do not feel anger towards one another for being left. Both have to be satisfied when they separate.

Why are break-ups so painful?

Lama Ole’s answer:

We mostly think of space as something that separates us—as a distance, a vast nothing between us. In this case, it is logical to experience separation as something unpleasant. My advice to you is to change this perception and experience of space.

Buddhists see space as a container. This is illustrated in a simple experiment: Imagine your eyes weren’t on the front of your head but rather on the back. You would notice that there is always much more space behind you than between you and others. Space is expanding around you by light-years, limitlessly and in all directions. And if you don’t just perceive the space between you and others but also experience the space around you, then there is no separation between you and the others anymore. Space is a container with both you and them inside it.

I myself work like this with my students, with our Buddhist centers, and with everything I am connected to. Every now and then, when I have time, I visualize landscapes and cities as though they were on a map in front of me. I perceive these locations around me. I cannot see exactly what people are doing, but I feel the vibrations and I know what they experience. I make use of space in this way. Space connects. Space is information.

What does Buddhism say about fidelity in a partnership?

Lama Ole’s answer:

First of all, it is important to understand that Buddha isn’t a creator god or a wrathful god wagging his finger at us with some type of moral judgement. Buddha simply wishes us well—that we live, die, and are reborn in a better way, and that we develop. To a very large extent, the Buddha stayed out of people’s bedrooms. This was the smartest thing he could do.

As a matter of fact, there is a lot of variation among people. From a cultural standpoint, there are many approaches to fidelity. In the West, the one-to-one model prevails: one man with one woman, one woman with one man, and they have a few kids. This model has generated the most solid society in the West. And indeed, it looks like it fits best for most people. But often, it can become a bit too tight; there is too much pressure and too many expectations, like a pressure cooker. In other countries, polygamy is practised, where the man has various women partners. But there are also countries, like Tibet, where women have several male partners.

In Greenland, the code of hospitality entails that the host allow the visitor to spend the night with his wife. That’s because the visiter has often travelled over ice for a few weeks, whereas the husband is always around. Of course it is a precondition that the wife agrees to this.

In Arab countries, by contrast, the women have to cover up their bodies since the men don’t want other people to see how beautiful or how ugly they are. Unfortunately, as a consequence, women’s mobility is limited to a high degree, and a lot of traffic accidents happen because they can’t see properly.

Between these models of freedom and limitations, different people find their way. To a large extent, this depends on karma. In most cases, we probably have the strongest karma with the one or two partners we were already together with in former lifetimes.

Incest was the only thing that the Buddha resolutely opposed. On this point, he was absolutely clear. But apart from that, one can live well as a Buddhist in nearly every society without getting into trouble. A sexual relationship that doesn’t cause harm is a good sexual relationship.

However, the moment that children join in, true responsibility emerges. Then we have brought beings into the world who depend on us. In this case, we should try to be a good family or at least have a good relationship with one another.

Which is better, a long-term relationship or a lot of casual encounters?

Lama Ole’s answer:

There are a lot of different opinions here. For instance, the Danes say, “Why make one person unhappy if you can make many people happy instead?” That was a good option before AIDS appeared. As soon as that happened, the days of making love easily and happily belonged to the past. Since then it’s become riskier, and we should watch out and protect ourselves.

We should also take care not to break too many hearts. By that I mean that you should send clear signals straight away. If you only want a brief encounter, be honest and make this clear from the start to avoid burdening yourself with false promises or other unpleasant things. Love should create joy and not difficulties.

Should we consciously avoid ideas and concepts, or just consider them tools?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I wouldn’t avoid concepts, because they can be convenient and useful. On the other hand, I would always remind myself that they are all only a dream. They weren’t there yesterday and will be gone tomorrow. So we know that concepts are pictures in the mirror but not the mirror itself. The truth and wisdom of space itself is profoundly meaningful. It’s in the vibration of every atom. It’s truer than all our concepts, ideas, and thoughts, and we are part of this space.

In fact, we can act much more effectively if we don’t continuously ask “why?” and “what for?” and so on. A lot of our everyday mental activity is like a coup d’état in a banana republic: Only two or three aspects of the radiant jewel that is our mind try to dominate everything. The ability to understand mathematics, to create poetry, or to do many other things is suddenly dominated by our intellect, pride, expectations, fears, and so on.

It’s beneficial to dissolve this, so that these abilities can arise when they are needed and disappear when they are no longer necessary. This has deep meaning. At work, one or another quality is very useful, and when it’s not needed anymore, one can do something else—maybe fall in love, explore nature, or discover how exciting the here and now is. But if one always hangs on to everything, is never in the moment, then one is neurotic.

It is this “both-and” state of mind that we should strive for. Try to always do what is right in front of your nose without being distracted. That is real freedom.

How does mirror-like wisdom express itself in everyday life?

Lama Ole’s answer:

If one simply lets anger pass by without getting involved, clarity arises, which is completely radiant. We call it mirror-like wisdom because it shows everything as it is, without adding anything or taking anything away. I would say that today the best expression for this is “keeping cool.”

You see how things come and go. You know that the emotion wasn’t there before and won’t be there later. So why get involved with it now? You just keep cool; you take it easy; you rest within yourself, in you center. You are simply the “fool on the hill” who watches worlds emerge and vanish, as Paul McCartney sang. But at the same time, try to stay completely clear and conscious of what’s going on, and, of course, try to share the experience with others.

How can one get rid of bad habits?

Lama Ole’s answer:

For one thing, the three pillars have to be present on all levels. The first pillar is information. You need to understand the situation and know where you want to go. The second pillar is meditation. This means creating space so that mind can manifest its radiant power and what is not needed can trickle away. The third pillar is holding the view. You decide to not make the mistake again, no matter what happens.

You can check your mind in the same way that you first recognize water by the ducks swimming on its surface, even before you see the water itself. Through certain emotions and tendencies, you can observe your mind and find out how far you have already come, how much your mind still sticks to this or that concept or how much free space you already have.

In what way is the world a mirror of my own mind?

Lama Ole’s answer:

This happens through the inner and secret teachers. At first, we focus on bringing the Buddha’s teachings into harmony with our daily experience. For everything that happens, we immediately have an explanation. On an outer level we think, “This is happening like that because earlier this or that took place,” or on an inner level, “I’m seeing the situation in this way because I am in this or that mood at the moment.” So we have wisdom permanently with us, which works like a mirror towards the inside and the outside. Over time, this wisdom grows and becomes more and more authentic.

In the end, everything comes together in one point. Every moment turns into an “Aha!” experience, into a “Yes, of course!” Something is created that we call “co-emergent wisdom,” insight that arises immediately with the experience. One knows the meaning of the experience spontaneously, without feeling separated from it. Once you experience this all the time, then you are really where you should be.

How can I develop and keep my own positive energy?

Lama Ole’s answer:

That is not always so easy if one meets circumstances that pull one down all the time. I would say read books like The Way Things Are or books about the Great Seal, so that you are in constant contact with the enlightened view. Always remember that the world around you is truly a pure land and that everybody is a buddha, whether they have recognized it or not.

Start with the view that highest truth is highest bliss. Then on a practical level, use the meditations in which you let buddha forms arise and then melt together with them, becoming inseparable. If you do this for a few minutes every day—maybe even while waiting for the bus or subway—it will be of great benefit. When making love, try to be aware and make your partner really happy. All the different possibilities are there—use them.

How can you check whether your mind is really clear or just on some trip?

Lama Ole’s answer:

You can say the syllable “pei” forcefully and then observe how your mind behaves. If everything you had in mind is scattered over several streets, then it was probably a trip. But if even greater clarity arises, if you are able to see what is happening even more precisely, if you are even more centered, you were probably right. This is the highest level of checking something.

Another thing you can do is examine how it would feel if suddenly everything were turned upside down—if suddenly all the pretty ladies didn’t like you anymore. What would your mind experience? How would it react? This way you can check how much of what you see is your own projection. You can see whether you really think of others’ happiness or are just running after your own pipedreams.

But actually, it is best not to let so many thoughts and concepts come up. Try to experience your thoughts as the free play of mind, as its richness and power. Don’t let them become chains that bind your arms or legs. Thoughts are good servants but difficult masters. They are all waves on the ocean, but it is the ocean itself that matters.

Maybe you can allow yourself a daydream once in a while to reduce stress, as long as you know what it is. But as soon as you start wishing for it to be real, then hope and fear are added in and it’s not nice anymore.

How can we know whether we are ready to act freely in the moment and discard common morality and other conventions?

Lama Ole’s answer:

If there are no more disturbing feelings associated with a situation, then one simply acts like a doctor who says, “If I don’t amputate that leg, this person will die.” If one sees a situation as it is with a completely clear and beyond-personal state of mind, and then acts for the benefit of others without disturbing emotions, then one will certainly be right. In such a case, whatever else happens is other people’s karma.

How can we know whether we’re on the right or wrong path?

Lama Ole’s answer:

For this there are outer and inner signs. If one is on the wrong path, one might attract difficult people again and again, who are then hard to get rid of. One has a sort of outer energy-hook that pulls those people towards oneself. It is possible to do this out of compassion, too, but then that should happen consciously. The inner sign of being on the wrong path is that disturbing feelings—like envy, jealousy, pride, confusion, and so on—become stronger.

You will sense that you are on the right path through noticing that you attract pleasant things on the outer level. And on the inner level, disturbing feelings will vanish and more space and freedom will emerge.

But mind is king; we ourselves have the freedom to decide what happens. If we are on a difficult path, we can decide, “I am a Bodhisattva. I’m helping all beings in pain and purifying their suffering.” With this attitude, we get through everything safely. We leave the heavy luggage behind and then quickly get ahead.

Once one becomes enlightened, does one keep this state or have to work to achieve it over and over again?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Once liberation or enlightenment is reached, there is no falling back. Liberation is the first step, where one no longer experiences oneself as the body that gets old, sick, and dies, nor as the thoughts and feelings that continuously come and go. On that level, we know that we are not this or that, and so we stop experiencing ourselves as a target. We can’t fall back from there because there is no more concept of a self or ego. Subject, object, and action melt together into a unity; and the experiencer, that which is experienced, and the experience itself complement each other perfectly. Already from that level on, there is no falling back.

From that level of security, one goes on to full enlightenment. While liberation means that one is completely rid of disturbing feelings, on the level of enlightenment even the most subtle veils of fixed concepts and ideas drop away. Here, we experience what is real: the nature of mind, timeless and everywhere. We are the ocean itself, and we see the coming and going of the waves as the free play of the ocean and not as distinct from it. In this state beyond any extremes or ideas of materialism, nihilism, existentialism, and so on—where nothing can disturb us anymore and where there is no suffering—we are like a cup of coffee that has stopped shaking and become completely still, reflecting everything.

In that state, all abilities, qualities, and powers come together and show themselves spontaneously. Here, we experience our mind as clear light. We are like a man on a mountaintop with a panoramic view. At the same time, we are aware of the path we walked up the mountain and can help those we have a connection with.

The states of liberation and enlightenment should not be compared with other states of mind, like the realms of gods or demi-gods. In the god realms, one has pleasant experiences for unimaginably long periods of time, but one falls out of these realms again as soon as the good impressions that led to that incarnation are exhausted. On these levels, there is still a concept of a self, ego, or person—a soul or atman. Enlightenment is really a big thing, an everlasting state.