Author: Lama Ole Nydahl

Could you please clearly explain the five wisdoms as female qualities?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I see women as bearers of the five wisdoms because I almost always learn them from women.

Very often, when it’s necessary to understand something, suddenly a woman is able to describe the situation as it really is. She then does or says something, maybe unconsciously, that in one moment presents the entire situation as a totality. This is possible because she picks up on things holistically rather than through concepts and ideas. That’s why she can show things as they are. Women can do that especially well when they are calm and not changing with the activities around them.

Women are also more democratic—you can see that, for example, with children. A woman dealing with children has much more discriminating wisdom. She can see what each child has or is able to do. Men would rather set up a concept and then go through with it stubbornly, while women often see more details and work with them. Another aspect of discriminating wisdom becomes obvious when decisions have to be made. There women are often very cool and clear.

And then there is the wisdom of experience. Who teaches the children? Who helps them develop? Who keeps the culture of a country alive? Who carries all this on? It works through the mothers. They are who pass on culture to the next generations. The men flutter to and fro, while the women bring in experience. This is also true when it comes to intuition; one sees that in many cases.

How do the five wisdoms feel?

Lama Ole’s answer:

After the clear light of union, after the highest bliss of togetherness, when the world re-arises out of space, one experiences the feelings of the five wisdoms. The world is clear, or rich, or warm and meaningful, or very distinct and cutting-through, or very intuitive. This is what arises from the clear light, from bliss. The world has a taste, character, or feeling. You take this with you into the day and pass it on to others, and then it comes back to you again. In the same way, the woman who leaves the arms of her lover also takes something with her. She absorbs his power, his bliss, or his abilities.

This happens either through physical union or through being together and sharing work or a home. If one is open to this, one can really absorb something. We see and experience the world through the wisdom and activity that we give and receive. A poet writes differently every time he has a new girlfriend because she has given him something new.

Why do men and women so often feel that they are not understood by the opposite sex?

Lama Ole’s answer:

We simply experience some things differently. For example, a man has problems recognizing that a woman has a 24-hour rhythm: if she is not met with understanding during the day, there won’t be much going on in the evening—no warmth. With a man it is different. He can compartmentalize his day quite well. During the day, he can be discriminating and a bit curt, focused on survival, while at night he is nice and wants happiness and love. It is important for the man to know that the woman experiences this 24-hour thing, and for the woman to understand that the man is not a hypocrite even if he seems soberly organized during the day but is an enamored prince at night.

Let me give an example that shows how differently things are experienced. A couple goes out in the evening. The dinner is good, the film is lousy, but the sex is good. The next day, when the man asks how she liked the film, the woman will say it was good, because she sees it as part of a whole. Then he thinks, “Doesn’t she have any taste?” And when the woman asks him how the day was, he’ll say, “The film was lousy,” and she thinks he also means the dinner and the sex. So it is good to know that you are experiencing things differently. Be nice to each other and enjoy each other; this may be the best advice.

Life is too short for a battle of the sexes!

If we don’t have much time, is it better to help with the center work or to do our own practice?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I would try to do both. Help out when there is a lot to do in the center; otherwise, do your own practice. The best would be to do your practice in the center as often as possible. That way you stay in touch with the friends there and can learn from them. And it also attracts new people if someone from the center is always there, whether he just sits in the kitchen drinking coffee and greeting people, or gives a good example by practicing in the gompa.

You have a lot of students; how do you manage to stay in contact with them all, and what role do the Buddhist centers play in this?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Ultimately, it’s not about anything personal, but about people growing up and becoming independent. The point is that people understand that their mind is clear light. Then they become fearless, joyful, and loving.

We have grown a lot in the last few years. This is mostly because many of my students are now so good that I can trust them completely and send them around the world to teach.

I’ve founded over 600 centers and groups worldwide, which means I can’t visit each of them every year anymore. So it’s very important that our friends everywhere can lend a hand. I think what my students and friends accomplish in the centers is great. They are true idealists. We work with minimal budgets and have no fat-cat donors. A lot of what comes in from wealthier countries immediately goes to Russia, South America, or Eastern Europe to build up something there. Nobody gets paid for the work. Really, it is all voluntary and everyone does a very, very good job. That is truly impressive.

The reason we can all keep this bond and stay friends is because it’s about human development, where everybody experiences something and profits. It is a matter of healthy common sense. The point is to develop a bit of humor and joy, confidence, surplus, and strength, and to get the methods that make this possible.

It’s quite touching that all this can happen today in our materialistic age, that people work through the night without getting anything for it, knocking my manuscript into shape or sending letters to 500 people when only 50 respond. And I am very happy and proud to have gotten such a troop started. I’ll tell you, I really feel good about this.

When making decisions in our Buddhist centers or groups, should we always ask the lama or simply make the decisions on our own?

Lama Ole’s answer:

If it concerns the meditation practice, you should not make any changes independently, because that has been determined by the Karmapa. But the way you communicate it to people can vary from case to case. Everybody can do that following his or her abilities and feeling for the situation.

When there are bigger decisions on an everyday level—for example, who should move in to the center—then of course you can ask if you’re unsure. But if those who lead the center have a clear idea, they can also decide by themselves. Even if it does not work out permanently and the newcomer moves out after a few years, he might be useful while he is there and could bring in some good influence.

My goal is for everybody to become independent as quickly as possible. Whenever someone can learn something in any area that will round them off and stabilize them, I advise them to do it. Self-reliance is the goal. But now and then, one might ask the lama if deeper insight is needed. But if one already knows what one wants to do anyway, then one doesn’t need to ask.

You once said that Mahamudra practice today works through the Buddhist centers. What do you mean by that?

We are all Kagyus, which means we have close connections with each other. This doesn’t mean that we see each other every day, but that the individual groups have energy fields that are connected to the Karmapa’s energy field through me.

When one goes to a group like this, one will always learn something about oneself. The basic attitude is that of Mahamudra: we know that we are all part of a totality and that subject, object, and action are fundamental expressions of the same truth.

That’s why visiting a center is always a mirror that shows one’s own face, whether as a purification or a blessing. Because of this, it is better to meditate well in the center than to sit on the lama’s lap and look somewhere else. If we do our best, hold our bonds, and have confidence, then the lama is there because the lama’s essence is space.

Of course you should meet the lama in person once in a while so that you don’t set yourself apart or become proud, so that you can check yourself and hear something new now and then. But the centers are the representatives of the lama. You get the teachings there, the meditations, the methods; you can meet people who have the transmission and the blessing. And in this way everything grows.

Why have you established so many Buddhist centers?

Because for us practice is essential. In my lectures, I give people confidence in something within themselves. Then if they go to our centers, they can strengthen this confidence, work with the local teachers, and practice together with friends.

The only meaning of all the work we do is to bring people into a state of surplus so that they can live better, die better, and have a better rebirth. The methods we have are 2,500 years old and very, very effective. That’s why I think what we do is important.

When we try to work something out together in our Buddhist center, there are sometimes problems that lead to confusion and we don’t decide on anything. What can you advise us?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I always use the sandbox principle: “So, who wants to play with the shovel? Who wants the rake?”—and so on. One divides the project into several parts and then asks, “Who wants to take care of this, and who wants to do that?” If nobody volunteers, then ask, “Are there any problems we should deal with?” Someone will definitely respond, and then you say, “So, that’s what you’re concerned about. Do you have any ideas about how to solve it?” Then ask, “Who else is interested in this?” and when several people have come together, you say to them, “Good, you’re all interested in that, so sit down together and figure it out!”

If you spend a lot of time sitting around chatting, then it’s good for the coffee industry and the people who sell armchairs. But if you want to get something done, then always keep things fresh, cut through problems, don’t allow trips, keep everything constructive, and say, “You do this and you do that. You have a complaint there, so you are the specialist to figure it out.”

I always think of the others as dignified ladies and gentlemen; they all want the best and each of them has experience in something important. One must trust in people’s abilities and give them responsibility, not just unskilled jobs. If the result is not perfect right away, then talk it over and let them improve what they’re doing. This way, we play around with things until everybody is happy. It works well and saves a lot of time.

How should one react when other people behave impossibly?

Lama Ole’s answer:

The first thing is to check whether it’s your issue or not. With us, the big judge is named cause and effect. As a Buddhist, one does not have to interfere in things for the sake of morals or justice. People do negative things if they are stupid, and they themselves will also suffer through what they do.

But if one feels responsible for the situation and has a connection to the person who is making trouble, then it is all right to do something. One can say, “Hey, you idiot, do you see what you’re doing there?” But there should not be any anger in it. If anger is involved, then it always looks stupid. People take it personally and one destroys good connections.

It is good to stop someone who is doing something negative, but if disturbing emotions are there, then it is better to watch out and hold oneself back. In general, it is better to give advice than to tell people pointblank that they shouldn’t do this or that, because if they continue to do it, the connection is damaged and one can’t help anymore.

Over time, you learn to deal with situations like this. You become totally non-moralistic and understand that it is only about the greatest possible human happiness. It is about benefiting beings as well as possible and seeing that everyone is as good as he can be.

You don’t judge but rather try to see if a behavior fits in a given structure. And there you often have to hammer a few bent nails into a piece of wood which itself doesn’t quite fit. That’s just life. You deal with things in a way that brings as little suffering as possible and that—if possible—everyone learns from what happens. Everything is the art of the possible; this means flowing with and being open to all possibilities.

It is like a huge card game, like super bridge. One has half the cards up one’s sleeve the whole time. One sees what the others play, checks it out, and reacts, but the point of the game is that the others win. That is the special game of the lamas: the others should win. And it is best when they think they have figured it out themselves; otherwise, they may easily become proud or angry.

One should always see the best in people. But if they really make trouble, what then?

Lama Ole’s answer:

You should think that they are buddhas who don’t know it themselves. And then you grab them and tell them off so that they can better get to where they can recognize their buddha nature. If people didn’t have buddha nature, there would be no reason to work with them. That said, even if a teacher has thirty little geniuses sitting in the classroom, he still has to exert some pressure sometimes and say, “Stay in your chair! Stop chewing your pencil! Don’t pull her hair!”—things like that. But it is meaningful because you see that something can come out of it.

On the one hand, you must keep an eye on the relative level or else you won’t know what has to be done. But if you don’t see the absolute level, which is above the relative level, then you’ll make mistakes.

If someone always causes problems and we think we should intervene, what is the best way to do that?

Lama Ole’s answer:

In situations like this, there are two kinds of people: those who know they have a problem and are ready to change, and those who must be convinced that they have a problem and should change. If a person has already discovered that they have a difficult character and that things are not going so well for them, then we can work with them. We have a responsibility to them, and we try to keep them out of difficult situations.

That is what I always say when someone comes to me with relationship problems and says, “I give all the time and I get so little in return.” Usually, they are women. And I tell them, “Look, it is great to be able to give, but does he know what he is getting and does he also wish to give something?” If he does, then it doesn’t matter how closed off the boy is; when he gets good things for long enough, he will also give—because he is full of good impressions. So, if we work with people who are open, it is easy.

But if you work with people who disturb others and don’t admit it, then stop them so they see that the world does not agree with their trip. If they become reasonable at that point and want to learn something, then you can help them. And if they don’t want to understand anything and the ego keeps coming up again and again and becomes disturbing, then leave them outside for a while. Work around them or past them and protect others from them until, at some point, they discover that it was better before—that the ego might not be worth it. Then they are ready to learn.

As long as you are not angry, the method you choose will be right. If your own attitude is good, then what happens is the karma of the others. Then they have good karma if they meet you on one of their reasonable days and bad karma if they meet you on a difficult day. Whoever always does his best will have no difficulties.

Should we intervene if we witness a fight?

Lama Ole’s answer:

That depends on how many of them there are, how serious it is, and what one can do oneself. But in a brawl, under no circumstances should one judge who the good guys and bad guys are, even if a couple of brutes are running off with an old lady’s purse. Of course you should try to stop them and give the lady her purse back. But you cannot judge because the old lady certainly did something to them earlier. Everything is cause and effect.

What you can do is try to calm the situation down and bring in your abilities where you can. Look at the situation: Are a couple of drunks beating each other? Are they about the same size and strength, and does neither have a knife? Then you don’t necessarily need to throw yourself in between them.

But if one of them is clearly at a disadvantage and the other is a brutal sort, or if there are weapons involved—then call the police as quickly as possible. You pay taxes so that help comes in such cases. Whoever is strong enough can pull the people apart himself and push them up against the wall a few times until they calm down. If there is no anger involved, then people become like wax in your hands. You will be amazed. Even the most brutal guys will give in if you act without anger. They know that it is a higher power and they disappear. And you don’t only help the weaker person through intervening; the stronger one also won’t be happy if he flattens the weaker one.

By the way, as a woman one can always stand nearby and scream really loudly. That helps surprisingly well.

How can we get rid of an aggressive person who simply won’t leave us in peace?

Lama Ole’s answer:

You should realize that aggressive people are actually in a weak position. A man who is doing well doesn’t have to bother anybody because he has enough power and security within himself.

So, in your case, the man has a problem and it is not your problem. Maybe you stepped on his tie in some previous life, but for you that is over. Now you’re standing in front of a person who is disturbed. There you are the doctor and have to decide how to treat him. He has come to you with his problem, and now you must decide how you want to help him.

There are various possibilities, but one thing must not happen: you must not get angry. If you get angry, you are on the same level as he is. Then you are also weak and will make mistakes.

Instead, you can talk with him directly and say, “Hey, listen, do you have a problem? Can I help you somehow?” Probably the best way to get rid of him is to be overly friendly and psychologically helpful: “You have this problem. I’ve heard all about it. How can we help you with it?” You talk about his problems until he has enough of you and finds someone else he can bother. If you say, “I talked with my Lama about your problem,” then you will be rid of him right away.

When I am verbally attacked, I feel a helpless rage. How can I defend myself without getting angry?

Lama Ole’s answer:

I would quickly lead people onto thin ice. Like in Aikido: turn the momentum of the opponent around and knock him over with it. You say, “What was that? I didn’t understand you. Say it again.” And then they have to repeat it, and you say, “But you can’t mean it like that, now…how did you mean it?” And say, “Why don’t we ask so and so about it.” Then you tell the third person, “Listen, she said such and such; what do you think about that? Ah, here comes the boss—he should really know about this too. Listen, she said this and I think such and such. Who do you think is right?”

You inflate the whole thing out of proportion and then go off to the toilet and smoke a cigarette while all the people are discussing what she said and why. Then you come back in and say, “Thank you very much; that’s what I think too.” And you go on doing what you want. If people are unpleasant, lead them onto thin ice and make it big and embarrassing until they say either only nice things to you or nothing at all.

Of course there are also cases where one knows that one acted stupidly oneself. If someone complains about that, you can simply say, “I’m sorry.” That is something else. The point is not to be slippery like an eel and avoid all criticism, because then you don’t learn anything. You should apologize immediately if you have made a mistake. But if somebody tries to make trouble only out of spite, then simply make him look so ridiculous that he doesn’t do it again. That is my advice. Life is short and we don’t have time for kindergarten games. We simply don’t have time for that.