Author: Lama Ole Nydahl

Sometimes a relationship only comes about because the person fits our patterns—for example, they represent a mother or father figure. How should we handle this? Should we try to analyze it or just ignore it?

Lama Ole’s answer:

As soon as we give something a name, we make it small. If we say, “that is like this,” we define the thing and don’t give it the chance to be anything else. In this way, we take space away from the situation and rob it of all other possibilities. It is best to stay in the flow. My advice here would be for both people to see for themselves how to best complement each other, how they can best come together. Analysis is a good approach for dead things. If one begins to cut something up to investigate it, then it’s in slices—it’s dead.

But a relationship is always in motion, and we shouldn’t paralyze it. We simply aim for what we want to achieve. This doesn’t mean being dishonest or not wanting to see something. But in every situation, we give an advance—we give space so that the best thing can develop. I call this “dynamic truth.” Each person looks more at the possibilities than at what has already been achieved. It is like water: it flows; it’s alive!

How can one help without seeming patronizing?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Don’t make your compassion into a thing! Don’t go around saying, “Here is my compassion” or “I am humbler than you!” like some Buddhists from other schools do. Do what is in front of your nose and stay cool as you do it! Act in the moment that compassion is there. If you let go as soon as the task is finished, then you always have clean hands. Then you are like the wind that simply blows the dust out the window; then, when the window is closed, the room is warm again.

If you make a big deal out of compassion, it becomes sticky. You act and do what you can because humans are basically nice. Afterwards, forget about it and move on happily.
There is a nice story about this: Two monks from a wild sect, who were not allowed to have anything to do with women, came to a river which a lady also wanted to cross. One of the monks carried her across, set her down on the other side, and went on. The other monk swallowed his tonsils five times and was completely mixed up. After three days, he finally managed to ask, “How could you touch her?” The first monk replied, “I set her down already, but you are still carrying her!”
It is mentally healthy to act in the moment. A truly right action is like drawing on water: Before there was nothing; afterwards there is nothing; and in the moment everything fits! There is nothing sticky—no expectations, no fears, no yesterday or tomorrow. That is the level of the Diamond Way, the level of Mahamudra.

I am often unsure whether I should take action in a certain situation or whether I should keep out of it. Can you give me some advice?

Lama Ole’s answer:

This is a question of type. I am an action type; I jump into everything. It is natural for me to take part in everything that is happening around me, in one way or another. If it is about growth or the direction of the lineage—things that are beyond personal—then I act immediately. That is my responsibility. Karmapa gave me that responsibility and I take action immediately in those situations. But if people want to ram their heads through the wall and need to find out for themselves that this doesn’t work, then I keep out of it. On the level of personal growth, I only intervene if people want that—if they come to me and say, “Lama, I have a problem.” Of course I always give signs, but if they are not interested and want to do something else, then I don’t push it on them.

This way one can see that we are not a cult, because cults keep their people in line. If they haven’t been there for a few weeks, then first they get a letter, a few weeks later a telephone call, and two weeks after that the visits start. We don’t do that at all. People can come and go as they wish. It is fine if they stay away while they’re going through something difficult and come back when they are open again. With us everything works on the level of independence. Of course we are friends and help when we know that someone is sick. But when someone needs a bit of time without Buddhism, we don’t run after them.

We have to develop an instinct for recognizing for the situations we’d like to get into. We get a sense for whether a comedy or a tragedy is taking shape—something helpful or something harmful—and then we take two roles in the comedy and let the tragedy go by. Depending on our function and inner attitude, we’ll notice whether we should take drastic measures to protect beings or not. If something really disturbing is happening, it is good to intervene—for example, if a big guy is hitting an old lady. You can interfere if there is no doubt that whatever you’re stopping is wrong and would bring lasting negative results. However, at the same time one should try not to judge the situation, because the old lady might have let the guy starve to death in the last life or have done something else to him.

If the situation lasts longer—harassment on the job or difficulties between people—then try to see whether you’re caught in it yourself, and whether you have fixed ideas of like and dislike. If you have these then keep some distance, because otherwise you’ll make mistakes. But if you are not caught up in it, then do what will help people learn the most in the long run. That way you are a mirror for the people, and you direct their attention to their possibilities and qualities. If someone in the office is behaving impossibly, you can confront him and say, “Don’t try that with me!” Everyone will see it; he has taken a knock and you can counter him better in the future. Or you can try to work with his power and make a joke out of his behavior.

We all have many different qualities and abilities. Some people are rather pacifying. They always feel the need to calm everything down and produce a jovial atmosphere. Others think, “Everyone is just sitting around doing nothing!” They bring in the increasing, enriching qualities. With these first two kinds of activity, one can hardly make mistakes. When you pacify, just make sure that people don’t fall asleep. If you show what is possible, try to not give too much too fast.

If people have accomplished something and are sitting there with surplus and feeling good, then comes the third, fascinating or inspiring activity. Here, people fall in love and feel enamored; they experience something wonderful and make the people around them feel rich. When working with inspiration, the teacher must watch out because he runs a very high risk of becoming proud. The more he works with inspiration and direct openness, the more he must make sure that he is still able to act like anyone else, that he is not playing any games and is completely normal when he steps down from the throne or is finished with his work. He has to check that others can truly count on him.

If we can inspire and awaken people without creating stickiness, then we can stand there with a mirror and say, “Actually, you only see your own face. Actually, you can only see something beautiful in me because you have it in yourself!” If as a teacher one steps aside like that and shows people their own abilities, then one can work with the inspiring activity.

The fourth activity is when we take drastic action and protect powerfully when we simply know that something cannot be allowed to continue. This is the most difficult but often the most important function—to stop things that are going wrong. For those with this protective instinct, you must be careful that you’re not angry while following it.

Sometimes we help others, but when we need help ourselves nothing comes back. What should we think about that?

Lama Ole’s answer:

That is a question of style. You must simply decide whether you are in kindergarten or among adults. If people act so childishly, they are emotionally immature and should not be taken seriously. Or perhaps you only believe that you helped, just like the people who believe that they are helping their lama by doing the opposite of what he told them because they think they are smarter than he is. Perhaps people are not thankful because you acted based on your own ideas and not based on their situation. There is often too much ego involved in helping. One comes in with a box full of ideas, and that makes everything really complicated.

In my experience, people who you help without an ulterior motive will be thankful and develop good qualities. At the beginning, they want to see if you’re trying to make them dependent. But if you shine on them like the sun, again and again; if you are kind no matter what they do, in the end they’ll also give you something back. It’s also very difficult to help with money. I myself do not lend money; rather I give money if people need some. But I would never bring them into a relationship of dependency.

There are people who always want to help but aren’t really very helpful. Can you say something about this kind of helper syndrome?

Lama Ole’s answer:

If people want to help, without having helped themselves first, they are usually pushed away. No one likes these attempts to help that are sticky and too personal. Many people have a good sense of what is unhealthy—when the helpers want to hide from their own problems and throw themselves onto others instead. Other people might not do so much, but they stand there broad-shouldered and everybody wants a share of their vibrations. These people are more helpful than you might think.

This is also a reason why people laugh at the many relief organizations and religious institutions, even though they’re helpful. The drunks go there as long as they are hungry, and get a cup of soup and a sermon. But as soon as they’re doing a bit better, they go a little farther down the road to get the soup without the sermon. We can indeed sense what is healthy and what is unhealthy. Even dogs sense why they are being petted—whether a person really likes them or is just trying not to get bitten.

When is it right to tell someone that you don’t want to help them any longer?

Lama Ole’s answer:

When you think that they are no longer working with their situation and progressing. As long as you feel that they are really engaged and doing what they can, helping is good. But as soon as they make themselves into victims and only expect something, then leave them alone, because in that case they’re not moving forward.

This may sound harsh, and it doesn’t follow the style of the sixties—when our new humanism took shape—but one has to truly think of the person’s wellbeing. The social and psychiatric institutions in Western Europe are now very good. Many of my students work in such places, and I am sure that they do very good work and that others are doing the same. You don’t have to have a bad conscience when you leave someone to the professionals.

We should also not be too soft on people who want to commit suicide. If the candidate starts to get evasive, if he no longer wants to explain or prove anything and says everything sweetly with a fine little smile—from that moment on, you cannot save him anymore. As soon as he has fallen in love with the idea of suicide, there is nothing more you can do. But as long as there is a bit of resistance, as long as there is an inner struggle, you can shock him and say, “You will certainly be reborn in a war zone in Africa!” If the person is a bit intelligent and knows what’s going on in the world, then you can say, “Think about the Hutus and the Tutsis and what’s going on between them!” If they have seen what’s happening there on TV, you might be able to shock them out of their trip.

If we’re just nice all the time, then they fall even more in love with the idea of suicide since everyone is taking it so seriously. Then they commit suicide because of the others and not because of themselves. In the end, they have talked about it so much that they have to do it.

How much can we give without making people dependent on our help?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Modern psychology has many ideas on the subject, but for me it is much simpler: you help as long as it is practical and as long as people don’t become opportunistic. Help them as long as there is a natural exchange. If they become dependent or don’t achieve anything themselves, you can happily sit out a round and say, “I’ve given you my idea, and if you don’t like it then go somewhere else.”

For example, if I were to give good lectures only when rich people who might donate something were there, and bad lectures when just a few old hippies were listening, then I would be neither a good teacher nor an honest man. I have to give everything I can in every situation. Then, if something doesn’t come across the right way, it is the karma of the people.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to measure out one’s love. I would rather give it all: in love, full throttle and hug whoever gets close—and if someone keeps his distance that’s also OK. But go through with all the strength you have and give what you can. That’s my formula. If people can receive everything, then they get one hundred percent, and if they only have the karma for five percent, then that doesn’t mean we give any less.

What should we do with friends who constantly get themselves into difficult situations but are not open to being helped?

Lama Ole’s answer:

If someone really needs to hit his head against the wall, you shouldn’t always be there to hold up a pillow. Act like a bullfighter instead, who shouts “Olé” and lets the bull run into the wall! Before bad habits become too deeply rooted, people should quickly feel that the consequences really hurt—that they hurt so much that the ego can’t sugarcoat things anymore. Perhaps this way they’ll get the idea to change something.

Of course there are a few things that must not happen: for example, one must do everything possible to make sure a person doesn’t get or spread AIDS. We must not let anyone seriously harm the health of others, but it is completely OK for people to get a bloody nose on a personal level! Often it has to really hurt before the ego is ready to give up territory.

Buddha’s teachings are something very, very precious. One should not run after people with them! You let them know that you have the teachings, and they can run around until they discover that they need them. Then you can share what you have. But no one can expect you to run after them.

I often feel pressure from my family’s expectations of me. How can I reduce this stress without disappointing anyone?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Either you give people fish or you teach them to fish. As Buddhists, we should teach people to fish and make them independent. We play with our children until they have learned to play by themselves. Then we can be with them sometimes, and other times do something else. If we always consciously aim to help people become autonomous and independent—to develop themselves and stand in full mastery of their capabilities—then we can achieve a lot.

If we look at things from this perspective, it is not difficult to invest a half-hour in the family sometimes, even when you come home tired. Then afterwards you can say, “Now the news is on and I’d like to watch it”; and later you give a bit of attention to your family again. The fact that the generations are growing apart right now is the real burden. In all societies, the children used to be raised by the grandparents while the parents were out working. It’s a shame the older generation is now sitting in old people’s homes while the strong ones—who should be working hard and producing—have to spend the whole day taking care of the children.

Some people are quite proud of their years of practice or their close contact to the Lama, and they look down on beginners. Can you say something about this?

Lama Ole’s answer:

If one wants to help others, then pride is the worst enemy. Proud people think they’re better than others, cutting themselves off from the rest and making them feel uncomfortable.

I insist that you—especially those who work closely with me—make yourselves the servants of the people, as Frederick the Great of old Prussia put it. Loyalty—looking up to others—is perhaps the strongest feeling there is. Of course you should let yourself be inspired from above; but you should also have solidarity and think of others who are weaker. We must learn not only to be loyal but also to see what we can do for others. That is a precious human quality, but it must be learned because it only begins from a certain level of consciousness onwards. I want my students to always think, “I am here for people”—not “I don’t have time right now” or “this one I’ll keep a bit short.”

One should never think a problem is too silly. Of course ninety percent of all problems are rather silly, but they are part of people’s growth. And if we don’t give people what they need, they won’t develop further. Perhaps the problem is silly to those of us who have meditated a few years longer or who did more in the last life, but for them the problems are real. So we must respond to them and really do our best—without thinking at all about “better” or “worse.” We should really be the humblest servant of everyone who comes.

That is difficult of course. We are often in a hurry and short of time. Most aren’t used to acting this way either. In the business world you don’t have to, but in Buddhism you do! That applies to all of you in the centers and to those who travel with me. When people just want to make trouble, you can say, “Talk to him over there” or send them away; but when they have a real problem, we must respond to it and not think that we’re too good for them.

Is one still able to make practical decisions after reaching a level where one doesn’t judge so much or think in terms of good and evil?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Of course you will still see the suffering and difficulties of the world. The point is to not be trapped in them yourself. If your beard is no longer stuck in the mailbox—if you’re no longer bound by your own disturbing emotions and you see the possibilities of beings, then you can act out of surplus and strength.

It is about you yourself reaching a level where you are no longer vulnerable. This way you become able to work for others. If you are no longer trapped in your own difficulties, then you can see the difficulties of others and do what will help them in the long run. Unlike politicians, who only think two years ahead until the next election, think like a statesman who sees what Germany, Denmark, or Europe will look like in one hundred years. Be farsighted. Only deal with the really important things—long-term things. Whether or not people get five cents more in their paycheck right now is not so important. The important things are freedom, development, the status of women, and that people remain intelligent.

On the one hand, we should accept responsibility; on the other, we shouldn’t take things too seriously. How do these points fit together?”

Lama Ole’s answer:

You can take responsibility without becoming deadly serious. Take it with a bit of humor and farsightedness. If you have a sense of humor and see things in a beyond-personal way, then problems do not arise. But you can’t run like an engine without oil. I have maybe 100,000 students and people I have a connection to around the world. I take that seriously. I give 24 hours a day—but in a good mood, not a bad one. Do what is necessary, but don’t make a big deal out of it.

How can one help people who always complain—who are always dissatisfied but don’t really want to do anything about their problems?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Let them see that such behavior doesn’t interest you. Don’t respond to them! When you call people’s attention to their wealth, they become rich. If they pay attention to their weaknesses and mistakes, they become poor. Basically, highest truth is highest joy.

It is also good to show people what is going on in the world to put their problems in perspective. That also helps them a great deal.

How can we help someone who is always depressed?

Lama Ole’s answer:

First, show him that his trip is not interesting. Show him that you put up with it because you’re friends, but that he doesn’t win anything with it and that it doesn’t make him more interesting. Then maybe you can mentally tickle him—if you can’t tickle him any other way. Simply be stubbornly friendly and only respond to positive things. I do that myself. I know that I sometimes get on your nerves with that. You come to me and think you have a big problem, but actually the point is to recognize the mirror behind all the reflections that appear in it.

While you only see the many images in the mirror and the black wash water flowing from it, I see that more and more of the mirror itself is beginning to shine. That is what interests me. The veils and hindrances pass by and change all the time. Who takes that seriously anyway? It’s not important.

The important thing is the buddha nature behind the veils. That is what’s true. That becomes stronger and is what you will see and experience more and more. I’m not teasing you or being superficial when I say, “You look good!” Actually, you look better the longer you are in the dharma—you really learn something and develop.

If somebody comes to us and wants to talk about their problems, how can we avoid getting pulled into their bad trip?

Lama Ole’s answer:

Don’t accept any of it. A higher level of joy is a higher level of truth! A disturbing emotion is something negative in itself—something that brings suffering, a bug in the program. You give them your trip instead. That is called realism: you make the good things real.

Sit there with the Lama in your heart laughing and shining light out to everyone. Then they can tell their stories until it becomes too much and they go away again. It’s a mistake to strengthen people’s bad trips. That would be a misunderstanding of bodhisattva activity. Real bodhisattva activity is telling people, “It’s all a dream! The trip is not important! It was not there before, and it will be gone again soon!”